7 months later

A purely self-indulgent, stupid post, coming up!

So, it's been nearly 7 months since my Dad passed away. His headstone is now up at the cemetery. That was an ordeal in itself. It sort of made it all final....I can't describe it really. I know he's gone and I'll never see him again, apart from in my head and photo's but it was the final thing that confirmed it all.

I'm a bit ill at the moment and when I'm not feeling right, I get a bit emotional.
Most days I'm okay and can smile at memories of him, remember him how he'd want to be remembered.
But some days it's like a physical pain in my chest and I can only see his eyes open, for the final time when the life support was turned off. It's that which haunts me. Along with seeing him in his coffin, more than a week after he died.

I still have the feeling he didn't want to go. He didn't want us to give up on him. Others say that him waking up was his way of saying goodbye. I still don't know. I truly hope he didn't suffer. Though looking into his eyes that final time, it's hard to imagine him not suffering. Knowing we were all there to say goodbye for the last time while he was unable to communicate.

I still don't speak of him much. I don't talk about my feelings or how I feel about the way he died. It still feels too big. Maybe I should be over it by now, or at least on the way.
I feel bad when I cry in company of others, I don't want them feeling uncomfortable or annoyed with my emotional outbursts. Usually I have to just take myself away and be on my own.
Like I said, most days I'm okay. I think of him everyday and can be happy and normal. But days like today just bring me back to square one.

I know I have great people in my life. My boyfriend (oh how I hate that word!) is supportive and kind but sometimes I wonder whether I'm too damaged, broken. Friends and family say it's okay for me to be emotional but it's not okay, not really. It's not okay for me to lay myself open. I have a hard time telling people my feelings (not just sad stuff, things that should come naturally, just don't, for me - it's a big thing to tell someone how I feel), even those close to me. Sometimes just a hug will suffice. Other times I need to take myself away, on my own. Which is what I did today. But then, when I'm on my own in this situation, I crave company. Silly!

I've cried for most of today, which is probably a good thing. I think I needed to let it out to get past some of the feelings I've been having. No one can do anything for me, sometimes I don't want advice or to talk about it. Sometimes just having someone near is enough. Other times I need to be by myself, to grieve or cry or wallow or whatever. Some may see it as self pity, maybe it is. Maybe it's not. I don't know. All I do know is that I'm dealing with it to the best of my capabilities.

I've had a lot of dreams of my Dad, lately. Then I wake up and feel a huge sadness. Not a sadness for me, but for him. He had so much to give. I know I'm not the only person in the world to be affected by someone's death. I know death is a part of life. But I've never known anyone close to me who's died. I still don't know if I'm reacting in the wrong way. I miss him so much. I watched him die, while they turned off the life support and for 2 years before that, seeing him weak, frail....wasting away and everything else that happened....and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. All I could do was be there for him. I felt and still feel useless.

I have regrets. I feel guilty for things. The last time Dad was able to talk (2 weeks before he passed away), Mum and I had a silly disagreement and I cut my visit to the hospital short. If I'd have stayed longer, I would have had longer talking to him.
I feel guilty for just accepting what the doctors advised, that turning off the life support was the best thing for him.
I was at that hospital, nearly every day, every time he was admitted and I feel as if I didn't use that time wisely. None of us admitted to the fact he was likely to die....not even the doctors.
I had so much hope. He had so many plans.

I went to the cemetery today. It really is a lovely spot. Everytime I've been, it's been sunny. I sit and talk to Dad and often feel like a right loony :-D But it helps me.

My sister and brother-in-law are doing the Great South Run in memory of our Dad and to raise awareness and funds for Myeloma UK. If you can, please sponser them. The link is http://www.justgiving.com/run-redpath-run/

Anyway, that's how I'm feeling today. I feel a complete idiot for writing all this but it has helped a lot. Tomorrow will be different :-)

Remember, let those you care about know that you care about them, as often as you can.

Take care.

(In edit: I feel much better already. I guess sometimes bearing your soul helps!)