Emotions?

I'll be honest, I felt quite embarassed about posting a blog. It's so personal and can come across as "look at me". I guess I just want people to understand me. Maybe other people out there have had similar thoughts and feelings and can identify with things I write. Maybe not. I don't know.

Generally I'm pretty numb, emotionally. Some people see it as not caring when in fact, it's the complete opposite. I care so much that I can't express what I'm feeling.

I used to be a complete wuss. A cry baby. An emotional wreck. I don't know when that stopped. All I know is that now, it's very difficult to cry. Difficult to even think about things.

My Dad's back in hospital. He's constantly being sick, is very frail and isn't eating for fear of being sick. I was talking to someone the other day and we agreed that it's rarely the cancer that kills people, it's the treatment and aftermath!

Even now I'm finding it hard to assess my emotions and how I feel about things. It's just too scary to acknowledge things.

Sometimes I really want to talk about things. But I don't. Mainly because people don't really want to know how things are. It's an English thing....people ask "How are you?" instead of saying "Hello". They don't really want to know your life is falling apart, you feel like crap etc etc.
Nowadays I just say I'm fine...getting on with things.
I'm not though. My life feels like it's on hold. Waiting for something. I don't know what. Or maybe I do. I just don't want to say it out loud.

I don't have many real friends. Two live a few miles away and I see them every other week or so but we dont' really talk about bad stuff. The others live far away from me.....and I don't keep in touch as much as I should. I just find it hard to be "normal" and not being able to call because of having no credit most of the time, I just get on with things myself.
I'm a bit of a loner, I suppose.

I know my Dad has a shorter life than most. I know he's suffering. The treatment he went for was to prolong his life. But at what cost?

He currently has no quality of life. Hasn't done since September. Sometimes I wonder if he hadn't had the treatment, maybe he'd have had a better end. Like doing things he'd always wanted to do and enjoying the time left. Not like now, in and out of hospital....not going anywhere, not doing anything, not being able to walk or talk much.

Seeing him breaks my heart. I saw a picture posted on FaceBook of him, which was taken sometime last year. Looking at that and looking at him now, it's like it's not my Dad.
He's weak, frail, lost his hair, lost his weight and muscle. He's changed personality wise too. Everyone used to like my dad. He was chatty, bubbly, happy. Now, when he's home he sits on the sofa, watching tv all day. Theres no conversation. The only things we talk about are about what he wants for breakfast/lunch/dinner. This person isn't my Dad.

I don't blame him. Of course I don't. Sometimes I want to shake him and snap him out of it. But I also know it's physically impossible for him to get up off his bum and do something. I don't know how I'd feel in his situation. The same as him, probably.

Now I feel I'm rambling. I think I'll stop here for now. I may write again a bit later.

Take care,
K