You think things can't get much worse, then bam...they go and get worse.

My upset on Friday was caused because my Dad was transferred to the High Dependency Unit due to his difficulty with breathing. He was put on oxygen which was really helping him.

He has a very sore mouth and throat at the moment, one of the side effects of his cancer treatment. The nurse tried to feed him....even though he was being fed by tube. He couldn't talk to tell her not to feed him so got very agitated. Luckily my Mum arrived and told the nurse the history. Does make me wonder why they bloody have patient notes....if they don't bloody read them!

So anyway, he then needed to go to the toilet and is currently in nappies, but they'd taken it off and he hadn't had one on for a few hours. He got pretty upset that he'd soiled himself....he'd tried writing a note for the nurse to read but she couldn't understand what he was trying to say.
At that point he couldn't have a catheter or other stuff put in due to the high risk if infection due to his immune system being so low.

I went and saw him Saturday and he looked pretty ill. But throughout the day he started looking better, his sats were much better and things looked ok. He was still on oxygen but they were positive about his situation.

Yesterday my sister and mum visited him and again, he was looking and feeling slightly better. Things looked ok. He still wasn't talking but he was writing things...albeit with his right hand...he's left handed.

He did write that he thinks he's a waste of space and other such nonsense......damn near broke my heart.

But last night they moved him to intensive care as he was having real breathing difficulties.
It turns out he has bacterial pneumonia....pretty much life threatening. He also has something else in his lungs which they're trying to work out how to treat as they don't actually know what it is.
His heart isn't working properly, due in part, to last time in intensive care when he got septic.
His blood pressure is very low and they tried to re-position him today to see if that helped. It didn't.
He's not breathing at all on his own. He's on a ventilator, which is doing it all for him.

He's been fully sedated, so that he doesn't get agitated and put more pressure on his heart and lungs.

The doctor came round and told us to expect the worst. He told us to "prepare" ourselves.
How the hell do you prepare yourself? I'd love to know.
I don't think you can. When it happens, it happens but surely you have to have hope? Positivity? It may well be futile but without hope, what is there? I'm not giving up on him just yet.
He's a fighter, he's fought so hard in the last 2 years. I'm just so scared that he's used all his strength up in previous battles.
It doesn't help that he's malnourished. He's skin and bone, there is nothing else there.

For weeks he was telling the clinic that he was having trouble breathing, eating and food down. WEEKS!
They're supposed to spot the signs of various complications.....obviously not in this case.

Oh his consultant is all happy and smiley, while we're sat there crying, upset etc etc.....he joked it was his fault. Well yeah, part of the blame is on the clinic that was supposed to be monitoring him.
He was only admitted into hospital because we pushed for it!
Then it turns out he's actually pretty bloody ill. Yeah, we knew that!!!!

I'm so angry. I think I'm displacing my sadness and turning it into anger. I can't control the sadness but I can kind of control the anger.

Thing is, he had the treatment to prolong his life, give him some sort of quality, before the end.
And now, it's not even the cancer doing all this!!!!
So it may well be a waste.
I may never get to speak to him again.

I'm trying so hard not to see him in my head, when I close my eyes. As all I can see is him looking so, so ill. Skin, bone, tubes, machines, blood. I can't see him how he normally is.

I always hide my feelings when my family are around me. It's like this switch goes on and I can't show any emotion until I'm on my own or away from people I know. I went out to have a cigarette and phoned a friend. I couldn't stop crying. I suppose it was good for me, to let something out. But as soon as I went back in again, the switch flicked on. It was only as I was saying goodbye to him, on my own, that I cried again.
We've been told to speak to him, even though he's sedated. It's so hard to speak to someone who isn't really there. I didn't really know what to say so I talked rubbish. Maybe it'll help him to know we're there, if he can hear us.

I'm so scared. I'm embarrassed too. I'm embarrassed at writing this, letting out my feelings and feeling sorry for myself. Thing is, I'm not sorry for me. I'm sad, upset, distraught but I can get on with it...I have to. It's everyone else I'm scared and sad for. Especially my Dad.

It's probably good that he doesn't know what's happening at the moment.
I just want my Dad back. I want to be able to speak to him, see him smile, have a bit of a life before the end. I hope that happens for him.

I've rambled a bit, I'm sorry. All I ever do is apologise lately.

I'm going to bed. Been at the hospital from 10am this morning and feel drained. Hopefully I'll sleep.

Goodnight,

K