How much can change in 12 days?

A lot.

I won't go into the highs and lows, the hope and despair as frankly, I can't be bothered. What's the point anyway?

Today we were told that there is zero chance for Dad. His lungs are too damaged, as well as the other problems he has.
We've been given 24 hours to say our goodbyes.

I'm numb really. Actually, I'm not. I'm angry. Not at anyone....just at the unfairness. I know the only certainty in life is death. I know that. Yet it hurts so much when it happens. He's not even gone yet and I'm talking like he's not here.
I had hope. Look where that got me.
I still have some sort of belief that the Docs are wrong, that he'll suddenly wake up. But I know I'm deluding myself. It's a coping things.

I'm angry because he's been through so fucking much. He's only 47. For over 2 years he's battled, fought, given everything he had....for what? To die in a hospital bed, not able to even have a last "good day".
He hasn't spoken for over a week. He's been sedated most of the time. He can sometimes hear us, but that isn't enough. I need to know he knows that I love him and I'll miss him. I need some acknowledgement that he understands. Maybe that's selfish. But if I could have anything right now (apart from a miracle) I'd want him to be aware and coherant while we tell him we love him, that we'll never ever forget him. I'm so proud of him.

Just thinking about not having him around is enough to tear my heart to shreds. I've never lost anyone before.....so I don't know how I'm supposed to react. All today we've all been trying to ignore it but it's there, all the time.

I'm scared for my family. We've been talking about his will and debts and allsorts today. There is soooo much to do when someone dies. There's no grieving time. Everything has to be done NOW.

I don't want him to die yet. He had so much more to give to life. But I guess it wasn't meant to be.

My poor mum. She lost her parents when she was my age, soon after she lost a daughter, then her sister a couple of years ago and now she's going to have to bury her husband.
If there is a God.....why would He inflict that on anyone?
I don't believe in all that myself, but I know mum kind of does.

Dad wanted to be buried. But the place he wanted to go isn't accepting anyone. So that's crap.
Do you know how much funerals cost? It's fucking disgusting.

My mind keeps wandering. To memories of childhood and the last few years and the final weeks.

I don't know how people cope with death. Especially not like his. I'm not saying his is any more disturbing....but it is to me. Apparently it's all down to acceptance. I don't think I'll ever accept the way it's happened.

I know it's personal pain and most don't give a damn, they didn't know him etc. I still feel stupid for writing all of this. But if I don't, it just goes round and round in my head until I can't take it anymore.

I know the next few days/months are going to be the hardest of my life. I'm thinking of not having a Birthday this year. It doesn't seem right. My little sister is 18 in April....it'll be hard for her.

There's so many things I'm sad about, stuff I can't even express at the moment. Maybe I'll look back on this blog in a few years and laugh at my idiocy.

I don't know if I'll write again. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I've closed my FaceBook and other online accounts for now. I can't be trusted to not say what's on my mind. People don't want to hear it.

It's amazing how many people avoid you when you're crying. I was sat outside yesterday and today, balling my eyes out. I looked a complete state. The amount of people that sat down on the same bench, only to move away after a few seconds was amazing. If you ever want to clear a room, start crying.

I'm disappointed in some of my closest friends. I shouldn't be. I feel guilty. But people say "I'm here for you, call whenever you want" or something along those lines. They know I won't call. That's not me. What happened to people calling me? It just seems it's mostly always me doing the calling, writing, texting and I've had enough. I'm just glad and lucky I have my family. It's not self pity either, I know I have some fantastic friends and I'm grateful. I just wish some would be a bit more pro-active in getting in contact at difficult times. I might just sit and cry, I might not want to talk about the situation....but knowing people care and can be bothered, that might just help right now. I dunno.
It's amazing the things you think about when something like this happens. Like I say, idiot.

Right well, it's way past my bedtime. If you've read and stuck with me, thank you.

Maybe I'll write soon.

Take care....and tell those close to you that you love them and care for them, as often as you can. Because someday, you won't have that chance anymore.

K

p.s I apologise for the swearing!