Hospitals....yuck.

So today I spent more than 6 hours at the building site that is supposed to be Southampton General Hospital.

I'm pretty angry actually. Most of the reason Dad went into hospital was because he wasn't eating, was being sick whether he'd eaten or not and was out of breath just talking. He was on anti-sickness tablets, along with all his other meds but they weren't working.

So, you'd think he'd actually be given something to eat, being in hospital because of malnutrition and all.
No. He'd had nothing since yesterday morning, and that was a quarter of a banana.

He was told to write a diary of everything he's been eating. Thing is, he thinks he's eating something when actually, it's less than a baby would eat. Bless him, he has been trying but the thing with the diary is, he'll put down that he had a banana, or some beans on toast...when in fact he's had a quarter of a banana and 2 mouthfulls of beans on toast.
So it's up to us, once again to nag him, practically force him to eat because no one is checking what he's eating....or whether he has even been given anything!

His bedding hasn't been changed since yesterday, when blood and other bodily fluids were spilled....so that was up to us too.

Quite rightly, we had a word with one of the Doctors. They wanted to put a tube down, to feed him in the short term. But I pointed out that that isn't going to help him if he just brings it all up again. Also, he needs to get used to eating....he's got a psychological fear of food and it's all very well feeding him by tube in hospital but when he comes home, it'll be back to square one again. So they've now said they'll monitor him more. But, they're chucking him out tomorow.

So basically, because it's not actually the cancer that is affecting him at the moment, we have to get on with it and see him weak, fragile, wasting away and not able to breathe properly, until they can find out what's actually wrong with him.

I know the nurses and doctors do a lot...and I know that most of them are excellent at their jobs. But the amount of times they've said something out of order or made my Dad look/feel stupid....it's just wrong. Of course, you can't say anything to them as he tells us after the event has happened.

God, just seeing him hurts. He can hardly talk....he can barely walk. He's out of breath after 3 or four words. He's skin and bone. He's in pain and he's had enough. Sometimes I wonder how much more he can take.
I know the whole family is feeling helpless and useless. It feels as if we're nagging him all the time...eat this, drink that. But it's because we don't want him dying just yet! He knows that, deep down.

The whole death thing hasn't really been brought up. Mum refuses to accept that it's likely to be sooner rather than later. My brother and sisters don't really want to think about it either. I don't want to think about it but every now and then, it pops into my head. People say you should prepare yourself. How do you prepare yourself? It's easy to think "oh next year I might not have a Dad" but analysing that and all that goes with it, not so easy.

It's like a time-bomb. The last 2 years has been a waiting game. That sounds awful really. But it's true. Dad's had so many problems to overcome that I'm scared that whatever comes next, he won't be able to fight it because he's used everything up in the previous battles. Every time I get a phonecall from my mum, my heart stops. Is that THE call? Is that it?
I can't bring myself to think about the end. I'm scared for my mum, my brother and sisters. I'm scared for me. I'm scared for him. It's hard, knowing the end is near but not knowing when it's going to happen.

There are some out there that think "I know we're all going to die one day, so why worry about when?"
My reply to that is, you don't have to watch your loved one suffer, waste away. You don't have to wonder how it's going to happen...will it be the cancer, or the treatment? Will he be in pain? The hardest thing is seeing the decline.

I'm rambling again. Sorry. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it all....so this is my outlet.

Thanks for reading, I'll update again soon.

K :)